What Is Confidence?

As a freelance writer and social coach, a HUGE Virtue that I needed to develop was Confidence. I used to lack it and while it took me forever to figure out how to build up my confidence, I broke down how I did it. streamlining the process so you don’t have to suffer as I did!


So how exactly does one describe confidence? I’ve heard it once described as a sense that you know exactly what you’re going to accomplish, that you almost feel invincible.

Personally I believe that is a completely vague and unnecessary justification for a word that very few people truly understand. People usually seem so willing to tell others that you simply need to “have more confidence in yourself”.

As if just willing confidence is simpler then anything else in the world. If you’re anything like me (someone who had to fight tooth and nail just to learn what confidence IS, let alone learn how to gain it) then you’ll know just how difficult the fight is. How the concept can be something that waxes and wanes, after all we all know that each and every one of us goes through difficult times in our lives, and when we’re at our lowest, it can seem pretty hard to have confidence in ourselves.

Now I don’t remember where I heard this definition, but I once heard that Confidence can be described as the pattern in your life where your completely aware of the desired outcome, and are actively working towards setting yourself up for success. Almost as if you know where your going and how your gong to get there, and that failure doesn’t even enter your mind.

I definitely feel like that’s an easier and more apt description, yet at the same time, I think that if we all had time to sit there and contemplate the best ways to become a confident person based on things we read in a dictionary, the world might be a quieter and more confident place.

If only every human mind worked that way, but unfortunately we can’t all be that lucky, often times we need to find some sort of process in which a concept is described more in depth. That’s precisely what this post is meant to do, to both broaden and yet simplify the concept of Confidence.

Confidence is one of the things you learn about in the process of becoming socially developed, It’s all a part of the process. As a freelance writer not only has confidence helped my ability to write, it’s given me the power to pursue my dreams, which gives you a huge advantage over your competition.

To hopefully give a clearer version of the word, Dictionary.com defines confidence as “Belief in your own self, believing in yourself against all odds”.  That is probably the easiest definition, and to achieve this belief you need to be prepared to take a look at your life and stare it in the face!

The first thing I’d like to clarify, and you’ll find a similar statement in the Pillar of Self Esteem article, is the fact that Confidence, and Self-Esteem are two very different things. Similar in context, different in theory. Confidence is feeling worthy of yourself, which means that you feel like you’re good enough for yourself, whereas Self-Esteem is your worth in context to other people, so it’s how you feel in terms of being in touch and being worth other peoples time.

A surprising amount of the time you’ll find that many people have one or the other, almost as if it’s an issue of only being able to have one or the other, or they might have neither, but in all honesty you need both to truly be on the path of social development. The good thing is that once you have this concept down, not only is all the confusion around it cleared up but it also makes it easier to help others towards this goal!

So how does one go about understanding the way Confidence works? To be honest, you’d need a few years worth of time to break down the aspects of Confidence, and each time someone works out a concept in their mind, they each come to a different conclusion.

So instead of forcing you to just sit there and sculpt out the concept of Confidence in your mind, I’ve streamlined the process and already done the footwork for you. If you’ll notice, this outline is remarkably similar to another article I’ve written which you can totally check out here if you so desire.

Basically, I find that confidence is made of two aspects, both are necessary to achieve it, and using this process is how I developed my own sense of Self-Worth. I worked this out in my head, but I found an extremely close version of what I believe in the e-book Why The Seduction Community Sucks by AttractionInstitue.com.

As I said a moment ago, in Confidence, you have two aspects, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Assurance. They are two very different things, and both are very powerful concepts in their own right, but when you combine the two, they create this sense of worth in your mind and in your heart. It needs to be said however that without one, the other cannot support you as a basis of confidence. So you need both, let me repeat that just to drive the point home.

You need to go through the process of discovering both. You can’t support your confidence on just one, you NEED both.

Unlike my last article on this, I want this to be a master resource for you to reference, So I’m going to be going into extreme depth with each of these concepts. Each persons path towards confidence is completely different then everyone else’s, because each of us has had a different life. So if you find that one of the concepts might be a little more difficult to go through then the other, that’s completely fine, learning all this stuff is a marathon so take your time, just make sure you’re working on it constantly!

The Formula for Confidence is this Self-Acceptance + Self Assurance = Confidence.

Put it on your fridge, write it on a sticky note on your computer, whatever you need to do to remember it. Once you have that formula in mind and go through all the steps necessary to get it sorted out, you’ll find an inescapable drive that just puts you on a path. Basically it makes you go from walking in a mild pace towards your goals to sprinting at them full speed with a rocket pack strapped to your back!

One of the biggest things I advocate on here is the fact that learning to be socially developed, and developing social skills includes a lot more than just learning to talk, often times, people need more than just a few rehearsed lines they have stored in the back of their brains.

If you don’t have proper social skills, it often times comes from a few internalized beliefs that have had a lifetime to ingrain themselves in your brain, and usually takes more than just a few hours of thought to override. One of the biggest issues I’ve seen in people, myself included, are confidence issues, issues of Self-Worth.

This aims to define the process through which I’ve gained confidence, and process through which I’ve seen quite a few people do the same. Confidence is one of the Pillars that this process stands on, anyone can be confident, guaranteed, they HAVE to come to terms with their past.


The first half of the equation, Self-Acceptance, deals primarily in the past, as it includes just about every event of our lives that we’ve encountered so far. As you look back on your life, think of the choices that you’ve made up till this point have led to who and where you are in your life.

You’ve had your good times, and each of us fully know how difficult the bad have been. Whatever life has done to you, we each have had our fair share of difficulties. Through all the decisions you’ve made, look at the person you’ve become.

All of the paths that you’ve taken in your life, everything that you’ve done or had done to you has led to who you are right now. This is your past, this is the series of events in your life that built you as a human being.

So now the name starts to make sense a little bit, the sequence of events in your life that led you up to this point, I need you to accept that that’s who you are. As I said, you need to truly analyze the events that have happened, because now’s the time to determine that your past is just that, the past.

This is who you are who you’ve become, but what you need to realize is the fact the people change, they can, and I watch it myself everyday. Life isn’t over yet friend, you have so much time to change who you are, if you’re open to the idea.

It isn’t going to be a cakewalk that much I can tell you, but the best things in life are earned, if you put in the time and develop a passion for being a confident individual, it quickly becomes a fact of who you are. But if you’re going to change, you can’t keep letting you who were in the past interfering with what you trying to develop.

You need to be moving forward, if you live in the past, all you’re getting is the same situations with similar results because your not tying to do something new, not trying to better yourself.

You don’t need to like the person you’ve become, you can be satisfied, or regretful, or just wish that some of the things you’ve dealt with could have been handled better. But it happened the way it did, and you’ve already taken the first steps to developing confidence, and do you know why? Because you’ve already begun looking into different  ways to become different.

Because you’ve aimed to be a more confident person, confident in your wishes, confident in your desire, confident in your interactions with other people. So Self-Acceptance is the first key, Accept your past, and the person who you are now, and start working towards your future. That, in a nutshell is Self-Acceptance.


Now onto the second half of this concept, Self-Assurance, this one involves more belief challenging, and trips a lot of people up as it uses the past, which we fought so hard to accept. Some People have a difficult time transferring their own sense of idealism, which believe me, I struggled with for quite a long time, but once you get this down it’s a truly powerful ability.

The secret behind this concept is built upon using positive reinforcement, and using it as a corner stone in your state of mind alongside your increase sense of Self Acceptance delivers a powerful backbone to your recently developed sense of Confidence. The manner in which Self-Assurance manifests itself, also lies in the past, but in a different source.

It relies on the accomplishments in which you gain strength from. Those skill sets which you have excelled in, the challenges you overcame from the beginning of your memory to now. Think of all the hard work and the sweat you put in to the things that your proudest of.

Now I want you to remember the happiness you felt as the end of those days. How happy you are with the knowledge that you’ve accomplished all you had.

Those things couldn’t have been done if you hadn’t put everything you had at them, if you hadn’t built yourself to the level you had when you needed to. The freedom you felt when your believed entirely in yourself, the thought of fear never even entering your head.

The freedom and belief that you poured into those accomplishments, it’s a source that can  be transferred into other areas, after all, that is a belief system. One that is controllable. If you can reveal that source of power, you can literally direct it into everything you need to deal with.

It’s all a matter of how you shift your focus, that natural momentum that comes from belief in yourself is strong, almost unending. It can last as long as you need it to. Streamlining the state of Self-Assurance works as a tool, and it eventually will give you an innate ability to use that drive in anything you need to handle, or anything you feel love and passion for.

If you can figure out what areas in your life you’re currently sure of yourself in, you can also figure out what emotions and mindset you naturally tack onto those aspects. Eventually you can apply those same ethics to the areas you would like to see improvement.

The more accomplishments you think on, the more you realize that the sense of happiness and assurance that we’re looking for has been in your life the whole time. You just haven’t realized or built upon the principals on how to harness that drive yet!

It becomes a momentum of sorts and you’ll find that it builds on itself. You’ll find yourself with so much extra energy that you’ll have no choice but to expend that focus on the things that matter most to you, the things you’re dealing with both short-term, and long-term.

The best part about this process of Self-Assurance is that after you’ve accepted your past for what it is, and begin to analyze the accomplishments you’ve made in your lifetime, you’ll almost immediately find yourself straightening out your back.

Growing just a tiny bit more confident right at the beginning, mostly because you begin to realize “Yeah, I’ve accomplished all of this, I can totally become more confident” which is a bit confusing I know, but it works.

So basically, To sum up Self-Assurance, it is basically the realization that while life can be frustrating, and we all have regrets. Yet at the same time, we’ve all done many things that we’re proud of. If we allow ourselves to be driven with that same power anytime we need it, you feel invincible, and others around you can sense it.


Once you’ve gone through both concepts, Self-Acceptance, which to recap is accepting that your past has shaped you into the person you are. Coming to terms with the choices you’ve made with the resolution to be more confident, and Self-Assurance, which is to recognize and begin to channel that positive driving energy that you feel when you accomplish something. Your next challenge is to combine the two parts.

As I stated earlier, when properly done (and once you understand how it’s remarkably simplistic) you’ll quickly accept the viewpoint that it creates as your new normal state of mind. It basically releases a state of drive that’ll quickly overtake your mind, and give you the same amount of self belief that the confident people you aspire to be have.

The only difference is that they’ve already gone through this procedure, usually as a natural progression. But knowing the process firsthand actually gives you a step up, because if you ever lose confidence in yourself, you can just go through the same process again!

Many People try to just use one of the concepts, but unfortunately it just doesn’t work. If you only try to use Self-Acceptance, all that accomplishes is you just accepting that the past is the past, and then you move on, without trying to change anything.

If you don’t have that positive reinforcement fueling the change that you’re trying to commit to, it often is a long dragged out process that doesn’t go very far. At the same time, if you only try to use Self-Assurances to fuel your confidence, it’s difficult letting go of your past.

It’s hard to make the change that you want to see in yourself because many people have had circumstances in their past that prevent them from proceeding forward, this was a big issue I had for a long time, I tried to only use Self-Assurance to fuel my Confidence. It was only when I went back, and worked through my Self-Acceptance that I started to see progress in my life.

What you’ll generally notice is that once you’ve developed both of these mindsets, the rest of it comes way more naturally. When you come to terms with your past, and realize that you’ve had accomplishments both then and now, you’ll also develop this sense of self-worth.

Your past is in the past, and you’ve decided, thanks to your new-found sense of forward thinking that you can proceed through life on more solid footing. Your decision to act in a more confident way (thanks to the Self-Acceptance) and your now inherent drive (Thanks to your Self-Assurances) will actually propel you forward in the other areas in your life. It’ll start subtly, but you’ll soon realize just how much happier you are with this sense that you have all the tools you need to succeed.

If you lack the tools, or notice you need more, you now have the ability to find and develop the tools to help you along the way! With Confidence backing each step you take, it grows stronger and stronger, and soon enough, you’ll look back a year from now, and be surprised as to how much you’ve grown.

Many people try to copy the behavior and stance of people who are confident, and pull off that sham quite easily. At the end of the day, it turns out to be just a sham, as they have nothing back up their boasting with, you and I are not those people.

We have an innate desire to be confident, and so our true confidence shines through, more and more each day. As you learn about yourself, the decisions you made in the past, and the drive and power that comes from accomplishing something that you strive so hard for.

You might even notice that your confidence isn’t the only thing that goes up, this was my first step in growing internally, and you’ll find that in the end Social Development isn’t just about learning to talk to other people, it’s a deep discovery about who you truly are.


Stevenson Grey