Why I Completely Disregard Social Value
Why I Completely Disregard Social Value
Think of the last time you went out to a busy bar or club. As you sit there gazing around the bar, your eyes linger on a group of people that fill some stereotypical role in your mind, each of them has a “spot” in their group of friends. A value, if you will, that helps identify each member of the circle of people.
You have the Alpha male, the usual leader, slightly douchey macho bro. You have the “model” the most gorgeous girl of the pack. You have the comedian, the Mother Hen, the quiet friend who’s staring into his beer and a few orbiters. Basically a cast of characters that either fulfill or come close to showing all the signs of the different values in group dynamics.
There’s a theory in the world of social skills communication. They call it Social Value; basically, it’s a manifested perceived value of your place amongst the throng of human being in the room. You look around and as everyone start to congregate, the way you take actions build a sense of value to both you and everyone else in the room. It doesn’t even matter how you perceive yourself in the room, as everyone else starts to assign a value to you, we tend to fall into that role we think we’re being assigned.
Here’s the thing about Social Value, it’s not a conscious thought, yeah you may look at someone like myself at first glance and just assume, he’s small, dorky dude without much value and then you look away. But outside of that, your subconscious mind immediately gets to work applying value to that person. So while you aren’t really thinking of that person your brain is making snap judgments left and right in order to try and figure out where YOU are in the scheme of the rest of the room.
So if you think about it, you’d quickly realize that working into Social Value is placing a value on yourself and everyone else and makes the room to rigid, the big thing here being that it’s supposed to “allow you” to figure out what is socially acceptable for someone in your position to do in context to everything in the room. But we aren’t exactly interested in what we’re allowed to do. Were that the case, you wouldn’t be trying to find articles on how to get better when it comes to social skills, you be looking up articles on what your allowed to do with who you are now.
Social Value is a premise that once again comes from caveman theory, the theory that there’s some sort of social hierarchy that changes from moment to moment that you absolutely need to adhere to. It’s what kept the human race going for so long, The biggest and most dominant males got their pick of the females and the only way to become more dominant is by challenging other guys and the rest were meant to pick up what was left (Man that could be totally interpreted as super bigoted…). Let me tell you a secret about this theory though, and this is something that applies to both Dating AND Social Skills…We aren’t cavemen anymore (Insert lame cliché Caveman jokes here).
Why Social Value Can Hurt You
Here’s the paradox behind Social Value. It’s built in other people’s minds, and then at the same time it’s built by your mind as well! When you start worrying about your Social Value and how it’s perceived by other, you tend to swing one of two ways. The reason being is that suddenly, you become aware of everybody’s place in the room and they see themselves, and you’re suddenly competing against everybody rather than just being yourself.
There’s this quote that I absolutely love, it’s from a comic book that I read called Saga. In it, one of the main quotes of the book is “Never worry about what other people think of you, because they don’t think of you”. That much is true, people are very selfish. Honestly I would say the majority of people are worried about one person, themselves, and are way too busy to actually contemplate your spot in their “value system”. They only start thinking of how you interfere in their progress when you really start to worry or start trying to interrupt that system. Let me ask you honestly, what is going to keep you from going and saying hello that girl/guy/group that you think seem really cool?
The only thing that’s really going to stop you is yourself! Just because there’s one person or a couple people in the group that seem like they’re the alphas of the pack, how does that in anyway affect you as a person? All it does is put in the mindset of competition. The fact of the matter is that so long as you are competing with the people around you, it will ALWAYS show itself in conversation. Why do you need to sit there and compete with the people around you when you AREN’T THEM?
The big thing about competing with someone is the fact that it doesn’t help you in any manner. They drag you down to their level, put you on the defensive, and then beat you with experience. It’s easier by far, to treat everyone with the same amount of respect and dignity, unapologetic and yet unwilling to react to their stupid bull crap if that is eventually how they decide to react. Being comfortable with who you are means that regardless of how they feel, it isn’t going to throw off your mindset, it isn’t going to mess with your head.
They get aggressive with you because they’re being macho, just be friendly and fun and don’t piss them off. The ignore you entirely, eh, no worries, because your happy with who you are. They get upset because you interrupt and don’t ave enough perceived value? Brush it off, crack a couple jokes about something random, and keep moving forward.
Why You Should Ignore It Entirely
When you stop buying to other people’s “Social value” I tend to find that it puts you in your own class. The best people on the planet are those people that are friendly, comfortable with themselves, AND don’t start things with anyone around them. Essentially, people who are comfortable in their own skins. So long as you treat everyone with respect, but take charge in the things you want, everybody is pretty cool with you.
A probable better way to describe this is by using an example. Which of the following people would you want to speak with the most.
Person A Walks up to you, or your groups of friends, and tries to sit there telling crazy stories to show his “High Social Value”. He gets a little braggy when anyone makes a point to try and tease him he gets defensive.
Person B Walks up and just starts a conversation, maybe says something about how awkward it can be that someone is just starting conversations with random people. But other then cracking jokes and clearly trying to get to know people in the situation and maybe flirting a bit with a friend without being a threat in any way.
Probably person B, the person who knows that it’s a little awkward, but it’s okay because he’s generally a cool and laid back person who isn’t trying really hard to SHOW how cool and laid back he is.
The situation changes from you having to compete with others and sell yourself, and instead you get to just be who YOU are without needing to worry about what others are thinking of you. So long as you are content with yourself and are friendly to everyone around you, it’s pretty hard to get shut down in conversation. Plus, things are convoluted enough when speaking with people, there’s already a gazillion things you need to remember. So why do you need to stack MORE on your shoulders and remember to worry about how you value stacks up to everyone else in the room?
It’s not necessary, don’t be a jerk, be confident, don’t be egotistical or pretentious, be laid-back. After all, especially at the beginning or your training in all this, that value isn’t going to get you anywhere. It’s similar in how people describe sneaking into concerts and events. Be Cool headed, be confident, and just act like you know where your going, and you can get away with an amazing amount of stuff (As long as you aren’t being a douche bag or a dick to anyone of course).
See the secret to TRULY having high value consists of two things, having a life you enjoy, and working on yourself. Chasing passions, building a world, enjoying life as a whole. Managed to do that, and you have all the social value in thew world, because when push comes to shove, that only person you need to be happy with is yourself. Social Value doesn’t get you anywhere, stop freaking out about it, and just life your life according to your own happiness!
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