The Misconception of “The One”
The Sweetest, Most Frustrating Thing Ever…
You know what really gets my goat? This misconception of “The One”. The idea that there’s one person out in this huge world that is completely and totally perfect for you. The idea that you have to find this person and marry them because that’s your destiny! At one point in time, I can totally understand why people would aspire towards finding that person.
At one point, I can admit that the romantic idea of finding your soul mate sounded amazing. Finding that one person to conquer the world with has a wonderful sound to it, doesn’t it? It sounds like an almighty force that can help you take on anything with ease. A force that can’t be stopped by even the most unmovable object. For a long time, I chased after that ideal.
I became desperate to find that girl, to find the one that didn’t exist. But you know what made me realize it doesn’t exist? How the world is changing. Where at one point it wasn’t to surprising to try and discover the one, that was because it was usually in close proximity to us. You’d marry the girl from your neighborhood, or the girl you went to school with.
But the world has gotten so much bigger, and smaller at the same time. It’s become difficult to find the one, because even the very essence of dating has changed so much! The idea has shifted from a position of hope, to a position of desperation! Men and women have shifted their mindsets from finding the one to finding A one and calling it THE one.
People are getting desperate, and as a result, people are running around with their heads cut off. Just the other day, I was walking through the city (I live in Detroit, for those not in the know) putting up flyers. A young man came up, he’d recognized from some of the flyer and the blog. He asked me about how to get this girl he worked with. He asked her out like ten times, she just kept shooting him down. He begged me for advice on how to get her. How did he make the relationship more intimate without losing her.
I couldn’t do anything, I grabbed his shoulder at bluntly told he needs to move on. As his head dropped I said, “listen dude she isn’t worth this much trouble”. He tried to defend the position, the way they always do.
“She’s the one”, “I can’t stop thinking about her”, “I’m losing sleep over her”. Then sometimes they even get mad and walk away as if you don’t get it. After they get mad, I calm them down. Then I break it down for them.
“How many times have you been sure that a girl is the one?” I ask.
Usually this gets them to quiet down very quickly. “Your chasing after a concept of someone that you eventually marry, yet you haven’t even gone out with this girl before”. There’s absolutely no way to know if this girl is the one your supposed to marry. There’s 3.7 trillion people ONE THE PLANET! How can you even assume that that one girl is the only girl for you?
What if she’s on the other side of the planet? If you never leave the country then your screwed aren’t you? On top of all of that, you being so desperate to attract this girl has completely destroyed any chance you have with her at the moment. So then “The One” isn’t interested is she?
How can you even contemplate all this when your chasing one girl who’s SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FUTURE? What happened to the Disney style movie love? You see a girl, there’s instant love, no bars held. You two get married. With dating the way it is now, that just doesn’t happen. People do too many things the derail romances for love to be instantaneous.
So then, how do you find the one? By completely disregarding the notion. The best loves are the ones that sneak up on you. The people that you just enjoy being with and you two fall in love. The loves that find you when you aren’t searching for it! That’s what you should aim for. Give yourself the freedom to date who you like, commit to who you like, and fall for whom you like without explicitly limiting yourself to only searching for a vague idea of someone that may or may not exist!
The truth is that many people would make very good long term partners. Many people are inexperienced, or unsure of themselves. But in the end you never know who you’re going to fall in love with. Falling in love, true love, is magical. You’ve got to give yourself the chance to find it without getting in your own way! In the end, you simply need to make sure you aren’t stepping on your own feet. Quit expecting every girl you come across to be the ONLY ONE for you.
Cause I can guarantee that all the over-thinking is just damaging your chances and your health!